Tuesday, July 26, 2011


I didn't know my husband visits this blog.
When he first learned about this blog, he's actually swearing because he's got a lot of picture in here, and he's always mentioned in my post.
I just sweet talk him over the fact that after 14 years I am still in love with him. Lol! So I can't get him off my mind even in writing.... enough of the mushy me lol! Were too old for this.

I actually forgot about the blog....until husband reminded over the weekend while were relaxing in the pool of canyon cove...he mentioned about the blog. Maybe he missed my mentioning him in here lol!
It was in one of our conversation that he asked why from a blabber blogger to the silent one.
And I realized that I have no blog post for several months now.
Geez, it's all in the draft bin.
Oh! I haven't even published my third marathon story with the most popular race in town- Condura Run for the Dolphin.
And all other short races, in the past I would usually blog about it.
So where have I been?
I am actually emotional about it.
You know the road of life is extremely jam-packed.
I started out almost four years ago having toddlers....now they are first graders.
I thought while they are growing up....I'll have time for myself.
Ooops! I got it all wrong.
There is the voice lesson, then the swimming lesson, the endless projects and assignment, then workloads, cooking to make sure they eat nutritious food  and so on and so forth.
My kids also interfere with my social life. Often, they would not allow me or my husband on our solo events.
And also I am a constant referee to the cat and dog fight.
I thank God I'm a runner.....I endure this race so called life.

I celebrated my 34th birthday in the hospital, the only time to monitor those cyst and other blood chemistry.
Then before I knew it, my daughter's 7th birthday.
Oh! She wanted to meet Tinker Belle....and there's no other place to go but the closest Disney.
On her birthday I was having severe migraine. But how can I ruined that day?
So even with headache and photo-phobia.....go lang ng go! Photo ops din!

And then last weekend it was my hubby's birthday. Yeah, as mentioned awhile ago that was the time he bring up the blog. Maybe, he sensed that I'm overwhelmed and not having fun.
The hints: I rarely race, I don't write (that's what he thought), I don't upload pix in facebook, I don't logged much of my exercise in DM. Whew! He asked if I'm depressed. I guess he's worried having episodes of post partum depression...he is deciphering my state of mind.

The truth is I don't know anymore how to write....how to sweet talk this blog.
Probably I'm not the same....I am marred with pain....I keep on enduring....I guess this mom  needed to redefine endurance.

And today another text invite about a blogger night lol! Well, Thanks TR it prompted me to visit my own site.

Well, honestly I haven't given up on writing. It's just that I frequented on another account or site called the 750words.
It requires 750 words per entry....it's got analysis about how your feeling about your write up and other cool stuff but it doesn't get published the way blog does.
In a way, it's a digital diary....cool, secure, private. It is also a good tool to help one become a better writer. I am not sure with me. But it sure does help me identify what I am feeling mostly. And it help me keep up and finally bring acceptance of what's bugging me.

Since December 2010 I have been very emotional about my state of health.
Who wouldn't after a week of full marathon an elevated or out of boundaries blood cholesterol and thyroid hormone....it felt that I don't have control over my health. Duh! What happened with that controlled diet, with the yoga and running, trekking and all other stuff that fits me to the generation "Fit".

You know how it felt like....a pang of frustration or some similar to betrayal. I am still lost to what I feel about my situation.
OMG, for more than a decade I am on strict diet. No pork, well I am not an all out vegetarian....but  I subjected myself to all strict diet even after two pregnancies because I know this is the right thing and healthy way to go.
But even after all the healthy and active lifestyle...I felt like getting an F on my blood chemistry score.

All the effort seemed gone awry.
How would you feel if you were on my shoe?

I was devastated.
I probably was not admitting it and continue life as if nothing happened as if I am unaware.
But then I needed to go on frequent leave from work, frequent visits to doctors, long queuing lines on doctor's appointment, blood extraction, more medication. Various pills for each symptom resulting to acne, mood swing, bloated mid section, water retention. It felt bad.

Maybe, right now I am able to write about it because I have come to accept the fact that perhaps those parameters will forever fail. And that my life is accompanied by these symptoms frequent mood swing, bloated, weight gain (which a lot of people insist is just my imagination)- i think this is secondary to the bloated feeling, the endless abdominal cramps....and so on and so forth.
Well, not to mention sensitivity to smell and chemicals urgh!

On the mood swing....I am completely aware of the side effects, I try to control my reaction. This is the reason I have fewer enemies than expected lol! But honestly, most of the time I choose to be silent or say nothing at all....sometimes, something comes out of my mouth that I rarely intend to say or meant. Those were the times perhaps when I'm feeling rebellious because for more than a decade I have been controlling my reactions....sometimes the shield crack down....and I feel nobody understands me because I don't have the physical symptom of illness. My vital stats are normal.

It felt as if nobody listens to me or even willing to help me.
It seems that my case is just a psychosomatic illness....they say that's all in your mind.
But hell, no I have been battling the pain since age 17 and to top it all....the worst it brought me is the infertility issues. Endometriosis or Endo as most of those sufferer referred it is a disease that is often misdiagnosed.
In my case, I knew I had it since my menarchy. But the management is only to deal with pelvic pain. It was only confirmed during a laparoscopic operation not intended for the endo but for the fertility work up.
The gyne cauterized the tissues after a few months post op we successfully conceived. Almost four years, I failed to detect that it came back.
What I did is to go on active lifestyle and in the processed increased my tolerance with pain.
It helped managed pain.
But fast forward today, I didn't realized that it will blow to this proportion.
Every month of migraine attacks one week before and after my period. Episodes of photo-phobia, sensitivity to smell, severe allergic reaction, gastric pain etc.

All this I have to endure....I swear to God I wish I am menopause so I need not to go through all of the above that associates with endo.

Endurance have brought me a different new meaning. It's not anymore running the marathon or trying the ultra.
Endurance to me is to be able to endure pain almost every day when the period is nearing.
It also means to be able to sustain moods despite headache, I can't blame other people for my misfortune.
It also means despite pain I have to fulfill my motherly duty to my children. Positive disposition in life is very important for sufferer of this disease. In this country, endo patients condition are not considered life threatening. In a country that believes women are designed to suffer while giving birth and on their monthly period as suggested in the bible....I guess prevention of pain is far from sight.

This is true, given that there is no research yet that establishes why endometriosis?
Given that men are not even affected by this disease.

There is no road to proper treatment for this disease.
And I felt alone in this battle. I have a competent doctor. But given the number of patients that she looks after have more severe case (such as infertility, pregnancy etc). I am often and I can sense that I am on the least priority.
In one of my ultrasound, a gyne commented that I was lucky to have two kids given my condition (well I have not even mentioned my other anomaly). Women rarely talks this condition, it's like taboo...it's like you're weak if you cannot manage your monthly visits.

Today, I decided that I'll take charge with my health.
Yes, I stopped the medication for the elevated cholesterol and TSH.
Those failing blood chemistry are probably secondary to my endo.
I am not scared anymore. Besides my BMS is relatively low, my waist to hip ration is less than 0.90 and I don't have high blood pressure.

This time, I'll try to travel the road where there is no trail, where it is uncertain.
I'll try to listen to my body intently.
For now, I'll  hang on to prayers for guidance and a regular conversation with Him.
Are You listening? 


  1. Joy, I feel your pain. I, too, went through severe types of pain since pre-school. My healing came when I was already 45 years of age! I suffered for 40 long years, Joy. But now, I don't take any medication, not even multivitamins or Vit. C. I just eat lots of fish, fruits and vegetables, once a week of chicken/pork/beef/pasta.

    I truly believe there is still hope for your condition. I will pray for your complete healing.

    We are both 6-6. We are born fighters. I am with you to fight this battle. Together, we will win!

  2. Hi Nora, thanks for giving me hope.
    I have been seriously looking for solution.
    There were times that running helps eradicate the pain....but it's not sustainable.
    The good news is running helps me cope up and stretch my threshold.

    Sometimes, I go crazy and score this pain game...there are times I win and at times I lose.